10:36 am 2 notes
I really don’t want to have to give my cat away. That’s my boy. That’s my birthday present and I know sometimes he pisses me off and I make him just as angry, but that’s still my boy.
I can’t move to Ohio. I just can’t.
I’m not fucking scared to move, because I’ve done it plenty of times before. I’m not afraid to move between states becayse I’ve done it plenty of times before.
I’m not going to be happy there. I’m not going to be able to go to school. I’m not going to have anyone there, that I love except Jordan and her mom. I’m not going to get to drive seven minutes to see Logan. I’m not going to get to drive eleven minutes to see my dad, or fifteen minutes to see my mom. I’m not going to get to have lunch with my brothers. I’m not going to get to stay at the same job with the same people that I’m comfortable with. I’m already suffering from depression and anxiety, and I’m already struggling to push through it even with all of those people in my life. How much worse is it going to get when I’m 640 miles away from all of those people?
Okay, but I’ll get to have my cat. I’ll get to have my car. I’ll still have my phone so I could totally just call them and everything will be alright, right? Bullshit.
Oh, but I won’t have to pay rent. I can just up and leave in the middle of school to transfer to an Ohio tech school that I won’t get to go to for six months after I move there anyway.
Oh, they can just transfer me to the closest Red Lobster in that area of Ohio. Sure, but who’s to say that the manager at that location even needs people who do what I do here? Who’s to say they won’t fire me for some ungodly goddamn reason? Who’s to say that they will, though?
There’s too much risk of me being 640 miles away from my family with no money, no friends, no where to go. There’s too much of a risk that I’ll end up crying every night because I don’t fucking have ANYONE. It’s not like I can drive 9 hours every fucking day to see my family. It’s not like I can just take a plane there every time I have a break.
I don’t know what to fucking do anymore. I’m not expecting everything to be handed to me, but I don’t have the resources to be any better than I am now because I am literally trying as hard as I fucking can.
I don’t have rich parents that can afford a nice 4 bedroom without fucking foreclosing on it. I don’t have some rich parents that got on their feet and stayed on their feet. No, my parents got pregnant sophomore year of high school. My parents got pregnant again with me senior year. They spent all their time in piece of shit little apartments living paycheck to paycheck, my dad sleeping around and my mom doing everything the common 90’s era housewife was “supposed” to do. They did get good jobs. They fucked around and had another kid instead. Then they split. Then my mom had another fucking kid. It’s the same shit; you live off of food stamps already, but let’s go out and have more kids.
I am trying so fucking hard not to be like they were. I’m trying to get an education. I’m trying to save my money. I’m trying to fucking be something. I’M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING. I don’t know what the fuck I want to be in my future because I really don’t have the time OR the money to spend another 3 years in school after I finish my 2 1/2 at the tech school I go to now.
I’m fucking useless.
Do I stay here and risk not having anywhere to live/paying to live by myself/living in an already completely full house with you guys, where’s there’s already a lot of drama, and zero privacy, but where I won’t have to pay rent (maybe) and I’ll still have my family?
Do I move with Logan wherever he ends up going, in a place I may not know anyone in, and pay rent for a place that he won’t even get stay in?
Do I move to Ohio where I won’t have to pay any rent at all, will live in one of the nicest places up there, in an already completely finished basement, but won’t know anyone other than the family/Jordan there?
1:15 am 1 note
Sometimes I really do wonder what it would be like if I just kind of..wasn’t anymore. It’s selfish to think about leaving the people who care about me, but sometimes I feel like there’s not really anything worth sticking around.
12:20 am 1 note
9:50 pm 2 notes
Last night I had a little incident at work.
It was my first night closing the restaurant on my own, and while I knew every procedure, I had to do them all in a hurry so that I can get off of my GM’s clock.
Well, while in the midst of refilling the spray bottles with disinfectant, one of them over filled and splashed up into my eye. While it was my fault, and I wasn’t being as careful as I should have been, I took action and did the whole eye wash thing—however, we don’t have an eyewash station at my work. Instead, I had to use a sink, and my GM gave me eye drops. It seemed to work okay, I went on with my work, and left for my boyfriend’s house.
I woke up this morning to my left eye crusted shut and swollen. It didn’t worry me as much as it should have, but it didn’t even hurt. It was just an annoyance. I got his dad (the doctor) to put some medicine on it that would help, and it helped take the irritation factor out, but its still swollen and it kind of hurts to move my eye around under a closed lid.
I got back to work this morning only to find that the chemical in the bottles was not the same chemical I thought it was. So I have a much harsher chemical in my eye than expected.
Now, I’m not completely okay with the possibility of being blind in one of my eyes, but my dad is blind in his left eye too, and I imagine if he can do it, I can live with it too.
Going blind in an eye would make an interesting story.
8:50 pm 2 notes
I’ve never been so goddamn tired.
I’m physically exhausted. My immune system has weakened, my strength is gone, my mind is all over the place lately, and I’m stressed to no end, but I push through it because that is what’s expected of me.
That’s what I have to do if I want to get anywhere, that’s what I have to do in order to please those around me, in order to support myself.
I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have someone there telling me that I could do it, pushing me even when I wanted to quit everything and just take a break. When I want to sleep for days and days, curled up into nothing but warmth and that sweet smell of familiarity.
I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you there after long days, scratching my back, playing with my hair, feeding me.
I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you reassuring me that yes, I am beautiful, despite the spots on my face that won’t go away, the way some of my teeth just won’t all fit snugly together, despite my distaste for my naturally curled and frizzed hair, despite my thinking my stomach isn’t up to society’s standard (even though we both know I don’t give a shit about whether I’ve got a flat stomach or not).
You tell me I’m beautiful anyways, and god, I love you for that.
11:44 pm 4 notes
3:47 pm 2 notes
It’s been more than an year.
At some point I fell in love with you. I don’t know when, or why, or exactly how I felt when it happened, but I thank the gods that it did.
It’s gonna be tough when you go off to your school while I stay here for mine. You’ll still be here. Somehow.
It’s late, and I’m still awake over here, though I know you’ve gone to sleep hours ago. After having you sleep over, all tangled in a mess of sheets and your body that hardly fits my bed, I’m sleeping alone.
I hate that you get so comfortable and so used to sleeping next to someone, and when they don’t get to be there with you anymore, it seems like it takes so much longer to get to sleep.
I want you to come back. I want to pretend you don’t have class, and that I don’t have work. I want to stay snuggled up with you for days.
1:04 am 3 notes